When I bought my condo five years ago, I had my heart set on two things: a pure white couch and a real Christmas tree.
Perhaps you can guess where this is headed.
I picked an outrageously white couch — white, as in computer paper white. It’s beautiful, expensive and impractical in so many ways.
I justified the cost of the couch (which came from Home Evolution) by not purchasing any other furniture for several years. It was like I lived in a very zen yoga studio with a couch and a kitchen. The only other piece that came into the living room in that first year was a real Christmas tree. In early December, I went out with my mom and little sister and we picked a fat, full and distressingly crooked tree. We decorated it with sparkly ornaments from Shoppers Drug Mart and drank Baileys. I went to bed quite chuffed with the sheer grown-up-ed-ness of it all.
I woke around 5 a.m. for no apparent reason. Something seemed off. I walked out into the living and, horror of horrors, there it was: my evil tree had leaped out of its stand and landed, sprawled, on the couch. There she lay, dripping sap and broken shards of ornaments and lights all over the white fabric. She looked like the drunk girl at the party who can’t move from the sofa and is spilling her drink left, right and center as she makes slurry, senseless babble.
The tree looked at me and said (it really did), “You know, darling, it just looked so comfortable here. I didn’t see the point of standing anymore.”
I walked past the tree, made a cup of tea, went into the office and shut the door. I worked there for several hours before I came out to confirm that, indeed, the tree was KO’ed on the couch.
I’ll get to the point: I now own a lovely fake tree with built-in lights and a very stable base. We’re decorating the tree this weekend — most likely over glasses of Schild Estate 2008 Barossa Shiraz, Famoso pizza and Frank Sinatra tunes. I’ve copied the tradition of my mom who has the loveliest tree. For years, she’s collected ornaments from our family’s travels all over the world.
This year, I’m excited to add ornaments from our honeymoon to the Gulf Islands and a vacation to Costa Rica.
How about you, dears? Do your plans this weekend involve Christmas trees? Any Christmas tree horror stories of your own?
*I know these are terrible photos. That’s why I’m not a photographer.